IN AN IDEAL WORLD, WE’D BE CHAPERONED IN A CAR, THE SEATS SOFT AS MARSHMALLOWS, WHIZZING TO YOUR WORKPLACE WITHOUT A SINGLE SCRAP OF TRAFFIC. SADLY THOUGH, IT IS JUST NOT THE CASE, AND ALL LADIES AND GENTLEMEN HAVE TO TAKE THE TUBE AT SOME POINT.
BRITAIN: WE’RE PRUDISH, TOO POLITE AND WE PROTEST AS MUCH AS WE CAN ABOUT PUBLIC TRANSPORT. THIS ISN’T A CAMPAIGN PIECE FOR BORIS JOHNSON, BUT MERELY SOME ADVICE FOR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN TO MAKE THE COMMUTE A LITTLE MORE COMFORTING.
Courtesy Doesn’t Cost a Thing
You see someone with a shed load of bags, battling with the entire community of commuters on the stairs. Instead of cussing whilst you figure the best way to hurdle over them, why not offer to help them. One less person wanting to harass them will make everyone’s day easier.
Respect Your Elders
The poor old people. Where have our manners gone? The amount of times I’ve seen old ladies use their walking sticks as support to stand up on the train. If I was that age, I’d be using it to trip everyone else over, or brandishing it around like a crazy woman. Let’s face it, we’re all going to reach that age at some point, suffer from creaky knees and shrink five inches. So offer an OAP your seat, we’re whippersnappers, we can stand.
Cross Your Legs
The amount of times I have sat across from a man in the tube, only to be greeted with his legs wide open. No thank you. I know for a fact ladies would never sit like this, and if they did it would cause more than a ruckus, more like an uproar. It’s simple, close your legs and then no-one has to suffer. Believe me, it’s a deplorable view.
Army of Arms
It’s rush hour in the tube. No matter rain, snow or shine, it’s a given that the underground is swamped with people and the air is very sticky. So when you finally managed to sneak onto a carriage, find a nook that you can breathe in and you look up to be hailed with a whiffy armpit, you yearn for some ruby slippers to take you home. Please, please watch where you angle your armpits, it’s distressing having it thrust in your face.
Tearing for the Train
I have to admit, I have had many the chuckle at commuters doing some ridiculous runs for the tube. Last week was the faux-pas pinnacle for me. I was walking downstairs, headed for the platform. A gentlemen with a ridiculous rucksack, going the same speed as me, suddenly heard the illustrious beep-beep-beep of the doors closing. Out of absolutely nowhere he broke into the most baffling sprint, legged down four stairs like Superman and bolted into the carriage. The carriage had the last laugh though; the doors shut in on his rucksack, he was still running in so was propelled backwards only for rucksack’s handles to snap as they both pinged back into the carriage. Absolutely hilarious, but I have to ask, what’s the desperation? The next tube is in two minutes. Two minutes. What could you possibly lose in two minutes, because you can definitely lose your dignity.
Eat Treats Elsewhere
Sometimes, when on-the-go, one doesn’t have time to sit down and eat dinner. But tucking into a tuna sandwich whilst on the train is by no means acceptable. The tube is dirty, and it really shouldn’t be the place of dining. The smell is not a sign of decorum, neither.